I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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