She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
