pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
you had me at cake vodka
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
