i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
a search helicopter?!
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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