On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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