I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
