after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
