The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
