I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
