That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
