I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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