Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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