update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
