I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
