Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
