I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
you made out with another girl for some wings
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
