I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just want to make out with him forever
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
