My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
