I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
