So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
