i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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