so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
