My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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