i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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