Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
