So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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