I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
