Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
