The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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