He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
