I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
