Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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