you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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