I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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