Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
