Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
