So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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