Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
