When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
