So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
