don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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