Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
