I am spending my child support on dildos
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
