4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
