Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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