So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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