do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
