Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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