I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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