I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
