i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
me + whiskey = a bad person
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
