Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
